Steadfastness

It's been one of Those mornings. The sort of morning where you wake up thinking the day has limitless possibilities for exploration, fun, and adventure. And it does, of course, as all mornings do. How is it that in one tiny little moment all internal hell can break loose?

Richard left early in Rattletrap Car #1 to tidy up some last-minute Sunday details at his new Church Job. Sammy and I would walk to Head Start preschool, and then I would hike out to the car dealership to pick up Robust Gas Hog Car #2 from the shop. Yes, this walkabout life is a supreme advantage of small town living!

All was going well until I decided to answer an email that had been ripening in my inbox all week. It was only going to take a moment, but it took a wee bit longer. Now we were late.  Sammy was outside, sweetly watering my flowers with his water hose. I emerged from the house feeling rushed but lighthearted, ready to skip our way to school. Not Sammy. He was Mad that he needed to close up shop on the flower watering project. Rather than responding with his usually sunny disposition he slammed the hose down on the grass and made growly noises from his scrunched up face. For whatever reason, it pushed my "This is not okay" button. He yelled something at me and I ordered him in the house. (Mostly so the neighbors didn't get the pleasure of reporting the Mama-Son squabble at the weekly Bible study. Paranoid? Perhaps...)

I made my way into the house. Sammy reluctantly followed, stomping and howling all the way. It was Time Out time. Then, in the midst of Sammy's yells and cries and my "stay in here for 2-minutes" the phone rang. It was Richard from the road. Rattletrap had died and he was stranded 45 minutes from home, 35 minutes from work. Ugh.

Did I mention that our day was jam-packed scheduled with everything from a lunch-time picnic at Sammy's school to my brother's wedding rehearsal in another town -- at which my husband is presiding and I am a bride's maid and soloist of a song the happy couple commissioned me to write?  There was no wiggle room scheduled for this!

After Sammy and I made up with hugs, I love yous, nose-in-the-neck nuzzles, and we both apologized for the mistakes we'd made with each other. We started out skipping to school. Until Sammy had a major wipe-out which included blood.  Now I know why mothers all over the planet carry some sort of tissue/handkerchief/sarong on her person.

I dropped Sammy off into the care of his Wonder Women teachers and hoofed it to the edge of town to pick up Vehicle Strong and Robust.

March, march, march. Walk, walk, walk. Think, think, think.

Thoughts from every corner of my being marched along with me, lining up to say their pieces, harping about my impatience. My disorganization. My body. My fears about money and car repairs. My longing for - but utter lack of - compassion for myself.

By the time I got back to the house to gather a few things before heading to fetch my husband, he called to report that the repair shop that towed him fixed the car and price tag was Way Reasonable. Whew! I could stay home and get my crap together for the weekend. 8 minutes later came the call that he and Rattletrap were again stranded. Tow truck en route back to him. No picnic for Daddy.

What’s going on here, I wondered. And why exactly am I letting this rule my day? I don't know. But I do know that my mind was flopping around from judging mind to anxious mind to critical mind and back again. Just like a little fish. And my heartbeat and breath took the cue and followed along.

All jumbled up inside, I walked to my book shelf and pulled Gunilla Norris' book Sharing Silence from the shelf. Bask in these words with me, will you?

Steadfastness

How do we sustain the courage and the will
to continue our practice when the going gets rough?

We may find strength to continue
by taking the long view: recognizing that bliss and pain
are part of each other, that both together are more
than either is separately. Together they form reality,
the only thing that truly satisfies us...

Alternatively, we may look closely enough to see
that perseverance is also a matter of valuing
what is happening now -- for its own sake.
Moment to moment, we continue by engaging fully
in the rich, dense, prolific dance of life.

Taking the long view and looking closely. . .
background and foreground.
By perseverance -- through perseverance --
we become steadfast and sturdy.
We become present.

Ah. Grace. This is just the perspective I needed.

Yes, of course this is the path of healing. This is the path of recognizing the Holy’s presence everywhere. This is the everyday, sacred, nitty-gritty glory of life. As a wife and a mama I know that Family is at the core of my spiritual practice. Over and over it is my experience that I grow wide-open spaces of compassion and love in my core through every interaction with my husband and son, dog and three cats. And convenient or not, this is especially true in the bumpiest of storylines.

What Gunilla’s words reminded me of:

·     Perseverance means valuing the Now, and engaging the loamy richness of the my life. Even bowing in gratitude to those Marching Voices, for they offer me the opportunity to say yes – with compassion - to my unfolding story. 

·     I love this family I get to share my life with. I am grateful I am the one my husband calls when he's on the side of the road -- literally as well as figuratively. 

·      Finally, nose-in-the-neck nuzzles are more than enough to make up for those little hell breaking loose moments. They are simply divine.

It's preschool picnic time.

Here I go -- steadfast and sturdy, prolifically dancing the riches of my exquisite life.

Come along?

Comments

[Jeanne Loehnis]

What a beautiful post! The title sparked me as I am in the midst of many long-term projects that require the completion of short-term goals. The poem is absolutely beautiful.

I appreciate the reminder about cherishing the NOW moments - though they be just small parts of some larger whole. I don't always do that. I often successfully "complete each daily task" but don't necessarily remember "that it is all about the journey" and not the destination. Sometimes I do, of course. But a daily reminder to "live in the sacred NOW" ... well, that is a great big YES to life!